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Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine
Government Official (tm). With regular maintenance your
Government Official (tm) should provide you with a lifetime
of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation and other fine services.
Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate
it if you would take the time to fill out this customer
service card. This information will not be sold to any other
party, and will be used solely to aid us in better
fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
- 1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
- __ President
- __ Vice-President
- __ Senator
- __ Congressman
- __ Governor
- __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
- __ Cabinet Secretary - Other
- __ Other Elected Official (please specify)
- __ Other Appointed Official (please specify)
-
- 2. How did you hear about your Government Official
(tm)?
- (Please check all that apply)
- __ TV ad
- __ Magazine/newspaper ad
- __ Shared jail cell with
- __ Former partner of
- __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
- __ Procured for
- __ Related to
- __ Recommended by lobbyist
- __ Recommended by organized crime figure
- __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on
Internet)
- __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories
(elsewhere)
- __ Spoke at fund-raiser at my temple
- __ Solicited bribe from me
- __ Attempted to seduce me
-
- 3. How do you expect to use your Government Official
(tm)?
- (Please check all that apply)
- __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
- __ Have my prejudices turned into law
- __ Obtain diplomatic concessions
- __ Obtain trade concessions
- __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
- __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival
nation/religious infidels
- __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
- __ Forestall military action against self/allies
- __ Instigate military action against internal
enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
- __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of
self/associates/spouse
- __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
- __ Inflict punitive legislation on class
enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
- __ Inflict punitive regulation on business
competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs
-
- 4. What factors influenced your purchase?
- (Please check all that apply)
- __ Performance of currently owned model
- __ Reputation
- __ Price
- __ Appearance
- __ Party affiliation
- __ Professed beliefs of Government Official (tm)
- __ Actual beliefs of Government Official (tm)
- __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign
government
- __ Blackmail
- __ Celebrity endorsement
-
- 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a
currently owned Government Official (tm)? ______
- If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s)
for changing models.
- __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
- __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current
model.
- __ Defect in current model:
- __ Dead
- __ Senile
- __ Indicted
- __ Convicted
- __ Impeached
- __ Resigned in disgrace
- __ Switched parties/beliefs
- __ Outbribed by competing interest
Thank you for taking your valuable time. Always remember
in choosing a Government Official (tm) you have chosen the
best politician money can buy.
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Dear Special Interest